The successful presenter is prepared for all eventualities.Learn from how the professionals handle the unexpected.Here is a collection of ‘ad-libs’ that might be useful for overcoming those ‘awful’ moments.In this chapter:Murphy’s Law states that what can go wrong will go wrong. A train will only leave on time if you arrive late at the station. Computers never crash just after you have saved your work.

If they do have it in your size, it is the wrong colour. Presenters know that Murphy was an optimist! It is less a question of ‘will it happen’ but more of ‘when it will happen’. What do you do when the fire alarm goes off, people arrive late or you drop something?The inexperienced speaker gets upset and flustered. The professional integrates the unexpected into the presentation, even welcoming such moments as the source of humour.

Be Prepared To Appear Spontaneous

The professional has ‘outs’ for these unexpected moments. All those witty ad-libs that professional entertainers have used for years are well rehearsed lines. The following is a collection of lines and gags that have been built up over the years. On paper they may seem glib or they may not suit your personality. Find the line that works for you, deliver it well and you will appear quick-witted, spontaneous and professional.

It is difficult to trace the source of these lines as many have been passed down the generations of entertainers and professional speakers. Why not add to this list and start your own collection of life-lines?

While the following lines provide the wit, you must provide the personality and deliver them with perfect timing.

Making Sure The Show Goes On

Side Talk Or Uninvited Comments

Had I known I was doing a double act, I’d have asked for more money.

It’s OK, I can do the presentation on my own.

You haven’t got a talking part.

I work alone.

He ‘d make a wonderful stranger.

Your mind goes blank

My mind is wandering and my tongue is following it.

I just wanted to pause a moment here in case any of you have lost your place.

You sweat

I’m leaking.

People arrive late

You’re early, I’m still on!

Everyone in the room has just sung a song. Now it is your turn.

Good, we thought you’d never get here.

Have you got a note – a fiver will do?

People leave early

It’s no use trying to get away, we’ve locked the doors.

Don’t go away, it gets better.

Microphone feedback

Whoever you are, you can’t land here.

Now that I have your attention.

If you think that is bad, wait till you hear me singing.

You trip over words

I paid a thousand pounds for laser eye treatment and now my mouth gives up.

Lack of applause

That so amazes people they forget to applaud.

Ah … spellbound.

Now that the applause has died down…

When one or two people applaud

Thank you for the applause. Who was it?

Thank you … both of you.

No no don’t… don’t stop.

Late laughs

Come along, come along … I’ve a lot to get through.

No laughs

So this is where good gags come when they die.

All right, let’s spend a quiet evening together.

Extra loud laugh

Thank you, mother.

Just throw £10 notes.

You drop something

This is my first drop today.

This is what they call a floor slow.

It’s an acquired skill.

They say the odd drop is good for you.

That’s extra, that wasn’t supposed to happen.

Something goes wrong

Some day I’ll laugh at this, so why wait?

My philosophy is to live one day at a time and skip ones like today.

You are photographed

Hello, mother (as you smile and wave at the camera).

Try to make me look like Mel Gibson, will you?

Camera flash

That storm is getting closer.

Pager or phone goes off

My audiences always try that one! You’re not getting out of here that easy.

Tell them I have already left, thanks.

The fire alarm goes off

Someone just tried to escape.

Coffee time.

Is this candid camera?

Am I that hot a speaker?

Mechanical problems

I love the computer, it multiplies the number of mistakes I can make per second.

Some … (the faulty equipment) are better than others. This is one of the others.

Visuals

Slide upside down: I’ve changed my view on this point.

You trip or fall

I will now take questions from the floor.

Lights go out

Is someone trying to tell me something?

I’m not that bad am I?

I’ll have to leave you in the dark on this issue.

Maybe I need to shed more light on this subject.

Bulb Blows

Hello, wake up in there.

Don’t be shy, people really want to see you.

Well now you are in the dark along with me.

Pen runs out

This is the dry part of my presentation.

Noise

I’m flattered, you ordered fireworks for me.